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The setting is an old-fashioned ballroom where the local privileged intelligentsia have gathered, probably for much wheeling and dealing.  

J: Jeannette Burton
T: Thomas Burton, her husband
L: Lily, Thomas' younger sister.


(Lily is sitting with a drink, on the sideline of the mingling crowd)

J: So this is your little sister? You never introduced me.
T: Hmph.  Lily, this is Jeannette.
L: Oh, Mom told me about you.  I'm pleased to finally meet you.
J: So, what do you do?
L: I'll be going to (   ) University to study literature and humanities.  I'd like to be a researcher or professor, ultimately.
J: You're lucky, that's a prestigious school in research.  Are you married, by chance?
L: (blushes)
T: Lily likes girls; the problem is she hasn't the guts to ask one out.  Haha!
L: (wincing, slightly under her breath)   That's awfully nice of you…
J: Ah!  But that's really great.  An untouched vessel of pure intellect… (beaming) I'd bet that nothing distracts you what you desire. (She holds a finger to her chin, thoughtfully)
L: (turning aside) Well, uh…
T: You'll inflate my poor sister's ego, talking so high and mighty.
J: Psh!  I just recognize a great mind when I see one.
T: (sigh)
J: (elbows him) You should be kinder, really.
Man Across the Room: EH!  Burton!
T: Enough of this, Penrod was expecting me.  (he starts off)
J: Well it was lovely to meet you, Miss Lily.  (Glancing back, she surreptitiously snatches L's hand and kisses it)
L: (Startled) Likewise…
(J. rejoins T.)
T: I don't know why she came.  She never even socializes.
J: Probably she didn't want to refuse an invitation and be rude. She seems proper.
T: (dismissively)   She is a bit odd.
J: Listen to you.  Hah!  You're hysterical without even trying!
T: Gods, do you ever quit?  Be on your best now!


(L. greets T. at the ending of the party)
L: Jeannette isn't at all like I expected.  Mom told me she was quite prim or something, but she's so… bold.
T: (leans forward, eyes flash suddenly) Bold?  What do you mean by that?
L: Oh—it's just that she speaks so bluntly, and—
T: Yes, she's good at acting when the situation calls for it.
L: (?) You're both well-spoken though, so it's a good pair, isn't it?  I've never seen anyone match up to you like that.
T: It works well enough.  
L: You never thought highly of the other girls, so she must be brilliant.
T: Of course.  No use for a weak-minded woman… but she can be a shrew at times, as you must have noticed.


Scene ended here :P
Um, TBH I wasn't sure where to submit this. It may not sound like it but it's basically a fantasy story as it's in a non-Earth setting.

A lot of the bits I was writing for this were just dialogue and setting/direction notes. This does not mean it is intended as a theatrical play. :P

Nothing special just some ideas of what was going on with this story for anyone who was curious. It's not been updated for a while so I'm pulling this out for a good reason.
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bezela Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010
Sounds like Jeanette swings both ways..or is being incredibly manipulative. Characters like her are always so good to read.

Would be nice to read more of the story, or is it part of the plot to offer tantalizing bits and pieces..? : D
symbion-pandora Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh, I should probably say that she's very good at reading people which is almost close to empathy, but getting emotionally involved is a much different story. Her interest is a little detached.

Funny how she's so screwed up but ended up being the quickest to develop because of it. Clara is a bit subtle, it's my challenge to take a character like her and make her sympathetic/involving A

ctually I've taken the examples of Clare as well as Lyra from His Dark Materials, being slightly detached protagonists who end up the most boring characters in the entire story... seriously by the end of HDM I didn't care one bit about Lyra, the kid she met up with was much more compelling as a protagonist. man theres a series that started out really cool and turned into an utter clusterfuck at the end. I only kept finishing Spyglass to marvel at the WTF and fail which I enjoyed picking apart more than actually caring about hwo it turned out.

It's been challenging to give Clara an effective character arc that reveals her weaknesses and true motivations since she's more an intellectual personality that doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve at all (in opposition to her personality 'foil' Elyse) In a sense it turns out as erm, what they call Bildungsroman (sp?) coming of age story :P
bezela Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2010
I was about to say that it reminded me of Pullman's books in an odd way, and now you won't believe me. XD

You should write it down and get it published. Something, anything, just don't stop at these excerpts..
symbion-pandora Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
nah I believe you, since it was right around the time i was getting pissed at that series that i started making this story :P

turns out I'm kinda sad about it, I dunno. The 2 similarities that came about == absent parents, and a fuzzy animal. (then again, I could also say that Nausicaa features a girl heroine with a cute fuzzy animal, so it's not unheard of outside of HDM :P ) and the parents being bitches. have you read that series?

Actually Endymion was based upon an idea i kept throwing around about an animal called a 'seether' which I adapted from the weird winged creature in Dorothea Tanning's "Birthday" painting (incidentally I saw the original in the Phil. Art Museum and it made me teary) I had knocked around an idea for another completely weird story WAYY long ago, about a singer/musician and that animal. Which I forget wth it was about. But apparently I transported the creature design into this story for whatever reason. The exact genesis of it was a vision of a curio/apothecary shop staffed by this girl. I kept thinking about it and this happened.

(also as a tangent, the Elka/Lucina story is also semi-based on a very old story idea I never finished, tho I can't remember if that was purposeful or if I just realized the similarity and then went with it)

Eh. I get really depressed about writing this fiction sometimes, out of a terror that something in the plot will end up seeming like a copy of something i've read and forgotten...
bezela Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2010
Ermm the reasons why it reminded me of HDM aren't the same as you give, the girl protagonist and cute fuzzy animal. It was the undercurrent of machinations, alienation and most of all Jeanette-she reminded me a little of Mrs Coulter.

I don't really have an idea about what your story is about, apart from parents abandoning child, so it's impossible to judge how similar it might be to HDM.

It's pointless getting terrified by imagined similarities. The plot APPEARS to be very different and no one has a copyright on either female protagonists or cute animals. If it bothers you so much, tweak some elements around until you're comfortable with it.

ANyway, my two bits would be: just work on it, stop worrying, because the dialogue excerpts were good and it has potential.
symbion-pandora Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I see, it makes sense.

The Ms. Coulter thing is worrying tho, since Jeannette is pretty stuck as she is LOL :P I don't think it could be fixed even if I wanted to change her, which I cant haha

in any case... since the whole thing is 'old', my step on it was going to be fixing the plot. It was always an unwieldy concept so at the time i put everything down. It needed to be streamlined at some point or had a lot of things ripped out of it D:

Eh, actually I'd say it's nothing like HDM unless the idea of alienated 'orphans' is unique. :lol: in which case it would be like Harry Potter or any number of other things.

since you're better with fiction than I am, also don't worry about being brutal to it. I never wrote fiction much until I started trying the CM stuff, honestly. always thought I was horrible at it.
bezela Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2010
Well, they aren't so alike. Anyway Mrs Coulter wasn't bi unless I missed reading between the lines :P

Lol, me and brutal, impossible. Besides, I give as little advice as I take, lolol. Seriously though, I do like your style of writing and as good as these dialogues are, can't help wondering how they would be when more fleshed out.
symbion-pandora Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I think I was telling laguz a while ago... she swings both ways technically, but has more sexual attraction to women. Being with a guy just has practical advantages....

she's manipulative yes, she can't really help it. I still think she's a bitch but you'd have to read about some other stuff that happened to truly understand why I say that, i guess. She has next to no empathy or if she does is completely unable to deal with the feelings of others.

I was going to put up another piece but worried I'd somehow spoil too much... I'm not sure
bezela Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010
I would love to read more, if you don't mind posting.

Tho it might be nice if it could have a more narrative structure...not that I mind the play-like form in these excerpts.
symbion-pandora Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Well, thats why i never posted them...

they were only some notes in preparation for character profiles and plot setup :(
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